That Christmas Cheer

A lot of people would classify me as some sort of Grinch when it comes to Christmas time. I find this a little funny, because Christmas is my all time favorite holiday! I'm just not the biggest fan of Christmas as we as a culture see it.

I will be honest in saying that I hate Christmas Music!! I blame this on my years of working in retail and the restaurant business. When a person spends several months before Christmas listening to the same set of songs on repeat it is a little hard to keep that Christmas spirit. To this day when Christmas music comes on my radio I change the station as quickly as possible.

If you were to walk into my house or even see it from the outside you would notice that there are no Christmas decorations. I don't have lights all over and I definitely have no tree up. Mostly because I think it is pointless to set up decorations for only me to see. Really, the only Christmas decorations that I have are two Christmas Mugs that I drink my cocoa in year round that I received as gifts.

By every way you look I seem like the biggest Christmas Scrooge ever! I am here to say that I am in fact, NOT anti Christmas!

Yes, Christmas music drives me crazy and my house isn't decorated, but I LOVE CHRISTMAS! See, Christmas is where it all began. When I stop and think of Christmas time I don't like to think of a big jolly man in a red suit, a tree that only I will see, or even music that drives me nuts. I like to think about the fact that in a little manger the savior of the world was born. That a woman was blessed beyond measure to be the mommy of the most important person in this world. So yes, my office isn't blaring Christmas music and no my house isn't decorated, but I am so excited for Christmas this year (and every year)!!

I hope that all of you have a very blessed Christmas and are able to reflect a little bit on what this Holiday is all about. I know for me ,it will be a very special one. Not only will I get to think about what this faith has meant in my life, but I will also get to celebrate the very first Christmas with my baby nephew.

Suffering

Have you ever wondered why we suffer? A question that hasn't been far from my heart in the past has been, if God is real why would he let me feel this pain? If God is really there why would I have to suffer like this?

I think at some point in each of our lives we all have to experience some sort of suffering. Suffering is part of our humanity. Maybe our suffering is the death of a loved one, illness, financial struggle, loss of a friend, or maybe you feel like you're alone in this world. At some point you will experience something that may seem just too hard to handle. When that moment comes it is natural to ask ourselves those questions, but something I learned the hard way was that in the midst of asking those questions we also have to seek out the answers.

I have had a few moments in my life that I felt completely out of control. Moments where I wondered why God would let that devastation happen to me. Something I have learned through all of that is that when we suffer we never suffer alone, because Christ suffered first.

A few summers ago I was a Catholic Missionary for the Diocese of Cheyenne with a program called Totus Tuus. Our program for the older youth was focused completely on suffering. Each Sunday I would stand up in front of a group of new kids and I would pour my heart out to them. I would share with them one of these moments of suffering, I would share my shortcomings, and would conclude with the ways in which the Lord led me out of that suffering.

That summer in itself was one of great growth for me. I would have days where I felt this tremendous sadness because getting up to tell those stories each week just kept them fresh in my mind. Getting up and pouring out my heart made me feel so vulnerable, but at the end of the summer I realized that I grew so much as a person.

As I'm sure you know, my favorite musician ever is Matt Maher and one of my favorite songs of his is called "You Were on the Cross". One of the lines that just pierces my heart goes like this"Where we you all that I hoped for, where were you when all that I've dreamed, came crashing down in shambles around me? You were on the cross." I just find so much comfort knowing that in the hardest moments of my life when I feel truly alone, I get the chance to remember that I am not at all alone. See, we have a man who chose to die a horrendous death to show us that we would never suffer alone.

I know that this time of year is full of happy memories, but I imagine that it is also full of heartache remembering some of those moments of suffering each of you have endured. I hope that in those moments you will look to the cross and remember that you do not have to suffer alone.

The Parrothead Life

In case you didn't already know, I have been pretty obsessed with the idea of having a bucket list. I like the idea of constantly challenging yourself to do things you never thought you could or you simply never would do. I have come up with a list of 100 things that I would like to accomplish. Some of them help to make me a better person like going on pilgrimage during holy week to the Santuario, running a 5k, getting my Masters degree, giving up pop for a year, or reading every book in my personal library. Some of my bucket list items just make me happy like visiting every state in the U.S., creating a blog, or packing my bags and going on a random vacation with absolutely no plan. 

Recently I was able to cross off two BIG items from my bucket list. The first was to go on the Ultimate Vegas Vacation and the second was to see Jimmy Buffett in concert with my daddy. Well, thanks to some work from my family both of those became a reality on October 26th. 

Jimmy Buffett has always had great memories for me and my childhood. I remember as a kid my dad would play Buffett on repeat any time we were in the car. Three kids and our parents would sit there and sing Cheeseburger In Paradise at the top of our lungs and let me say that this vacation was no different. One of my very fond memories was while my dad, mom, and I were in the car stopped at a red light with one Uncle in the car in front of us and another Uncle in the car behind us. We were blasting Fins and dancing around like crazy people. We were excited for the concert, but more importantly we were excited to be with family. See Jimmy Buffett isn't one of my favorites because of his great musical talent or his multitude of songs. He is one of my favorites because every memory that I have with his music in it reminds me of the closeness of my family. A family that can go through the things designed to break us apart and come out of that stronger than ever. A family who is there to support each other, but also there to correct each other when the time comes for it. A family who is far in distance, but never far from my heart and my thoughts. 

The concert was the most incredible concert I have ever been too. I sat next to my daddy, while we were both dressed in traditional "parrothead" fashion, and I sang at the top of my lungs and danced around like a crazy person. As the concert ended my daddy and I just sat in our chairs after the rest of our group had left. We said hello to other random "parrotheads" and talked to total strangers about such a fun time. In that moment I realized that this particular bucket list item was complete, I reflected on how much fun we had and knew without hesitation that the reason that concert was so much fun was because I was surrounded by my incredible family!

The Ladies of 1823

A few weeks ago one of my friends posted a link to a blog she had read on facebook. She tagged myself and all of our friends in it so that we could all have a read. As I read this blog all about best friends and how you know you've found them all I could do was laugh and think of my "rooms". These girls got me through some of the most difficult and some of the most rewarding times during college. They have continued to be my support system as I have ventured out into "real life". They have been there to dry my tears, share my laughs, and knock some sense into me when I needed it most. The most simple way to put this is that these ladies are my sisters. God blessed me with a group of girls who were also striving for holiness and who loved me enough to never give up on me. With any group of friends like that you are bound to share countless inside jokes. This past weekend one of those girls and one of my best friends Amy Deibert came out to support the Youth Group in our 5th Annual Nun Too Fast 5k. This meant that she would spend the weekend with me and during our weekend of many adventures we would come up with our own list of inside jokes and great memories. 

To the Ladies of 1823, I hope you enjoy Amy and my rendition of all the ways in which we just seem to "get" each other.

When you ask them why you're still wearing real pants and they're not at all scandalized.

You have each others romantic histories memorized  and you know which ones are all clear to joke about.

You all randomly burst into song, despite the fat that you're in a public place, on a regular basis.

You have nicknames for complete strangers and when used you all know who is being referenced.

You all know that room refers to a person not a place.

You know that certain types of stories should always be told on a set of stairs.

It is totally okay for one room to take out another room's contact lenses.

Storing your cans in your closet or random places in the house is totally normal.

You know that the most serious bonding you'll have is when you're both trying to work in the kitchen.

The argument over whether the microwave is a health hazard or vintage.

When you get dirty looks in class because you are "those girls". 

The only girls who well tell you that you look like an idiot before going out in public, but say it in the most loving way.

You know not to serve weird looking foods because your roommates won't eat them.

A normal Friday night consists of sitting around knitting, while watching Gilmore Girls, and drinking Fanta...and loving every minute of it!

The only people who wills it on the couch and jam to 90's throwbacks with you.

You know who your room is talking to on the phone based on their accent or which gangsta greeting they use.

You know not to talk to certain rooms before 10am.

You know when you refer to butt hole coffee you aren't always referring to a drink.

Bagels for breakfast, lunch, and dinner is totally common. Like all the time.

Wine bottles are great decorations and your rooms won't judge you for the quantity of bottles in the house.

Youtube and movie quotes comprise 60% of all conversations and your rooms can understand everything through these quotes.

When you're about to miss a holiday with your family and at the last minute your rooms pitch in to buy you a plane ticket and arrange transportation to the airport so you don't have to be alone on Thanksgiving.

When you call each other room even when you no longer live in the same house.

Adopt a US Soldier

Lately I have been on this kick of finding a pen pal. I'm not really sure what inspired it, but I know that I have been on the hunt. I was trying to convince a friend of mine to be my pen pal and he wasn't so keen on the idea. So I kept searching. In my pursuit of finding a pen pal I stumbled upon a website called Adopt a US Soldier. As I read what this group is all about I fell in love and immediately signed up. 

I have adopted a soldier. A man who I know nothing about except his name, mailing address, email, and that he loves coffee. What I do know about him is that every day he chooses to risk his life to protect our freedom. Everyday he goes to work and has the option of never returning home, and yet he continues to do it. I thought that my desire to have a pen pal would be surpassed by the opportunity to give thanks to this man. See, when I signed up the website made it very clear that he may never write back. That for months I could send him letters, packages, and emails and there is a possibility that I would never hear a word. I chose to do it anyway. Mainly because reading the information on this site made me realize just how much these people do to give of their lives for me. If I could send him little tokens of gratitude without expecting anything in return I would be satisfied.

So I started in. Last night I wrote my first letter (and mailed it out today). I told him a little about me and just how thankful I am for his gift of sacrifice. This morning I sent him an email. I told him more about me and what it is like here in Wyoming. I read on the website that it is good to inform them that they have been adopted and will be expecting a letter. It is also good to have your soldier get emails from you so that they can send you requests for items in packages. Sometimes they may not have a lot of time to mail a request so it makes it much easier to just drop a quick email. 

This afternoon I received word back from my soldier. I was able to see that he is married and has children. I was so surprised to get a response so quickly, it really did make my whole day to see that he was able to take just a few moments to write back.

Friends I would surely recommend that all of you sign up for this incredible thing. Sign up only if you can commit to writing and sending packages. I will say that it feels so great to do something else for another person with no expectation of anything in return. If you would like to adopt a soldier please go to http://adoptaussoldier.org/ click on the tab that says adopt a soldier and get started. I really can't think of a better way for us to express our gratitude.

A Blog for My Sisters

In the last few days I have seen a video floating around Facebook. It is called Who You Are: A Message To All Women. If you haven't seen it yet please take 3 minutes and 36 seconds to click and watch. I have become slightly addicted to this video. Anytime I see it come up on my newsfeed I watch it again. Like something has changed since I watched it 4 hours ago. Each time it is the same video and each time I can't help but hear the truth in that mans voice. 

Friends, we as women are powerful, we are strong, and we are LOVED! We were created for greatness and I know so many times we forget that. A few months ago I was visiting a retreat center in Georgia and was assigned to help with a Juniors and Seniors Retreat. Over the course of the weekend I spent time getting to know different groups of people, but spent a lot of time getting to know some of the girls in the group. Towards the end of the weekend I had this Junior come up to me and tell me about how worthless she felt because she was nothing like the other girls. She explained to me that she didn't think she could ever be beautiful, but she noticed that I was like her. I had piercings and tattoos, that week my fingernails happened to be painted black (the funny thing is they were teal the week before, but having them black this week was important for this encounter), and I was wearing a black sweatshirt that day. Because of the way I looked she identified with me, but at the same time she saw me talking with ALL of the girls who were there. The popular girls, the athletes, the smart girls, and those who felt like they didn't belong. When this girl talked with me I felt so deeply saddened that she could not see how beautiful she was and she could not see her worth. I was also very surprised that someone was watching me so closely, she could tell me who I had been talking to throughout that entire day. I talked with her about how beautiful and special she was. That she was created by the Father and she was created for greatness. I explained that it didn't really matter how she dressed or what she looked like, God created her to lead people to his kingdom. I asked her why she chose to talk with me instead of one of the other Missionaries that were there. She very simply said "because you dress just like me, but you are beautiful" I walked away from that encounter a bit surprised, see I could see the beauty in this young girl but in that moment I was surprised to hear her say I was beautiful. 

So many times we base our worth on what society has mapped out for us. We base our worth on how many people we're friends with, how may guys are interested in us, how well we do at our job or in school, and how loved we feel by the people in our lives. Let me tell you sisters, we are worth dying for because we were created by the Father. We were created for love and we are WORTHY!!

"Empty and Beautiful"

I'm not sure if you've ever heard the song "Empty and Beautiful" by Matt Maher, but it is one of my favorites (well anything by this artist could probably count as one of my favorites). Lately I've been reflecting on this song and in particular one line of this song; "You fought the fight in me, you chased me down and finished the race. I was blind, but now I see. Jesus you kept the faith in me." Something that really struck me the other day when thinking about this particular line, was how often we are blind to the gifts and talents that God gives us. Well, at least I am. 

Recently I have started a new job, I am now Director of Youth Ministry and Faith Formation at the Parish I work at. Within one year I went from being responsible for the education of 6-12th graders to being responsible for the education of all ages. Praise God I do not have to do this alone. I have a wonderful assistant and a great team of volunteers. But over the last few months as we went from talking about this type of ministry to actually living it out I was filled with so much anxiety and doubt about my ability to do this. My common thought was "I'm only 23" I was terrified that at 23 years old I would be responsible for molding so many minds, I would be someone else's boss, and my biggest fear came from the fact that I would now be teaching people who are older than me. See, it was one thing to talk about running ministry this way, but it was a whole other thing to actually do it! I was and in some ways still am afraid. 

My comfort level lives within the realm of Youth Ministry. I spent 4 years in Youth Groups as a participant, I lived that life. I spent several years as a volunteer, I lived that life. And I spent one year working strictly with Youth, I lived that life. In the last year of work it was my job to go to football games, go swimming, go on retreats, attend mission trips, go on Pilgrimage to Italy, eat pizza and socialize, pray with teenagers, and to help them know the love of God. I LIVED THAT LIFE. Now, my job is to minister to the adults of this community, many of whom have experienced things in their life I never have. Some of them have lost a spouse, I have never been married. Some of them have battled serious illness, I have never been seriously sick. Some of them have lost children or have seen their children leave the church, I have no children of my own. I have not lived that life, and in some ways that terrifies me. What happens when someone comes to me and asks me to console and guide them on these things that I have never experienced?

I began to doubt that I was capable of this position, in some ways I even question what God must have been thinking when he chose me to do this job, and I was afraid to see what ministry here would look like after just one year of some "punk kid" calling the shots. Then I heard this song. "You fought the fight in me, you chased me down and finished the race. I was blind, but now I see. Savior you kept the faith in me." I was reminded that God was the one  who calls us to these great things. And in my case he called me to be responsible for education for all age groups. The title of the song is Empty and Beautiful, I truly believe that when we choose to empty ourselves fully for the Lord something more beautiful than we could ever imagine will be the end result. After thinking about this I have a little more ease about what I am doing as a 23 year old. I am still a little afraid, but I know that the Lord will give me the tools needed to be successful as long as I keep emptying myself for his glory. Just like you I am not in this race alone and it is great to know that we will always have at least one person who will never give up on us!!

An Authentic Encounter

I spent the last few days gathered in Casper, Wy with the priests and a lot of people who work at the churches in Wyoming. My heart overflowed with love as I saw many friends and great priests that I have had the privilege to get to know in my 5 years in this Diocese. As the conference continued I sat and reflected on my first encounter of the church of Wyoming. 

I was a freshmen in college; afraid and alone. I didn't know anyone who would be going to mass, I missed home, and I missed my friends and family. I really didn't want to go to mass, but I did anyway. I walked from my dorm to St Paul's Newman Center. I remember walking in the door and seeing a man standing outside the worship space, he reached out his hand to shake mine and asked what my name was. I walked in and sat down at the end of the third pew in the middle section of seats (to this day this is my favorite place to sit at this church). It was far enough from the front to feel comfortable and close enough to the front to keep my attention. I remember kneeling before mass and trying to think of a time that I had encountered a priest who stood at the door and asked my name. I couldn't think of even one time. As mass ended I left the church, this priest stood outside the doors once again. He said goodby and invited me to return the following week. This whole experience to me was a little bizarre, but something I forgot about shortly after leaving the church. Well, until I returned the following week. I opened the doors and locked eyes with Fr Carl, he grinned and said "Amanda, welcome back! I hope your week was well."  It was such a short encounter, but it blew my mind. As I sat in "my pew" again I couldn't help but smile as my eyes filled with tears. I couldn't believe that this man would remember my name. I had never in my life had an encounter with a priest like that before. At that time there was one priest in my home diocese who knew my name. We had gotten to know each other over the last few years, but I had never encountered something like this. Week after week as I entered the Newman Center Fr Carl and Fr Ray would greet me by name and seem genuinely concerned about how my week was. 

I felt so loved by those two priests, I felt like I belonged at St Paul's Newman Center, I felt at home in this church. After my second year we received a new priest at that parish. I remember thinking that this new priest wouldn't care who I was or how my week was (because I had never encountered priests who did until this time). I was so sad to see Fr Ray moved to a new church and probably a little short with Fr Bill when he first arrived, but he quickly showed me that he also genuinely cared about me. I was blown away, surely not all of the priests I would encounter could possibly care about me and call me by name. Within the next year I would meet Fr Rob who has become a trusted friend, mentor, and spiritual director. As the years continued I would meet countless priests who would prove me wrong. 

This last week I saw priests I had worked with at Holy Spirit, on retreats, and through Totus Tuus. Each of them seemed genuinely excited to see me and hear about Rock Springs. In these last few days I have been reflecting on the great priests we have in this diocese who show me how to love like Christ. I have thought of Fr Carl and how he had no idea that his authenticity would change the way I saw a priest and would change my college experience. I have considered how my encounter with the church of Wyoming made it so easy for me to stay here to work after graduation and made it so hard to think about leaving when I was discerning missions. This diocese has truly captured my heart and I do believe that in my eyes no other place will compare. I truly hope that as you read this post you can think of at least one person in your life who has shown you this type of love and as your years go by that you have many more that do. Tonight I pray that all of the people of this world will treat each other with the love and respect that Fr Carl showed me five years ago. 

Single and Satisfied

I spent the summer attending weddings, traveling, and visiting family. Now when you get to be 23 you have a summer like mine where you're invited to 6 different weddings (or ordinations) for people who are close to your age. For some of my friends this summer hit a couple years ago, but for me this one was it. Don't get me wrong I absolutely loved celebrating with these couples and I am so happy that each one of them blessed me with the opportunity to be part of their day (some in person and some from afar), but let me just say it is hard to constantly answer the question "so are there any special men in your life?"  For me, at age 23 whenever I cross paths with someone I haven't seen in awhile I am immediately drilled with questions about why I have no husband or babies yet. After I finish the questionnaire I am always given this look of sadness like my dog just died and then told "don't worry you'll meet him someday!" I didn't realize how hard it was to have this conversation, until I had it every week all summer long. So here I am to set the record straight. Yes, I am 23 years old and yes I am single. For the last 5 years I've been focusing on myself, because let's face it I'm a mess. I have been learning to let Christ love me and perhaps for the first time in a long time I have spent a great deal of time learning to love myself. I spent 4 years focusing on my education, working a ton, and growing in faith. I have spent the last year learning how to balance a full-time job and my own sanity. I feel like saying "in the last five years I haven't had time for relationships" is a cop out answer, but I will say that in this moment I am enjoying being single. I can tell you that there are many aspects of my job that I would not be able to do if I were married with children. Not that there aren't people who do my job (and do it well) that are married, I just think in this moment I wouldn't be able to. See, I'm trying to figure myself out, balance working and a social life, structure my prayer life, and now take on a whole new aspect of ministry. One day I will be ready to "settle down" to "find the one" to "start my life", but right now it just isn't time for me to be searching for that. Sure, if tomorrow I met the "man of my dreams" I wouldn't look him in the eyes and say "well, this is just not the best time for me can you come back in a few years?" But at the same time I'm not going to focus my time and efforts on finding my future husband. When I was in college my roommates and I talked a lot about this song called Present Moment it says "Lord, help us to live in the present moment...Placing our trust in you, in the present moment" we would strive to live in our vocation of the moment. We would constantly ask ourselves; today am I being the best student, roommate, friend, sister, servant, or daughter that I can be right now in this moment? Sometimes the answer was yes, but for me the answer was usually no. I learned something important in that time, I learned that it was okay if the answer was no as long as I was working to change that to a yes, striving for holiness, and trusting in The Lord. So I believe that someday I will meet my future husband, someday I will have a family, and someday I will no longer be looked at like my dog just died when people talk to me about my love life. Let me just remind you of something, I'm ONLY 23. I have so much life to live and I am fully capable of living part of this lifte (or maybe even all of it) as a single woman! So before you feel bad for me because I'm not married and have no children just stop for a moment and realize that you shouldn't feel bad for me because I definitely don't feel bad for myself!

Finding My Bliss

I had a conversation several years ago that really did tug at my heart. One of my amazing cousins, role models, mentors, and friends talked to me about this little thing called "bliss". When I came to her I felt defeated, upset, hurt, and unsure of what my next move should be. She talked with me and quite simply told me that whatever I did, I had to find my bliss. My bliss? I had no idea what this meant, until I saw her finding her bliss. She said, did, and lived things that made her happy and helped contribute to the happiness of the people around her. After that conversation I did many different things that helped me to find my bliss; I changed my major to Religious Studies, I realized that I was called to serve the church through Youth Ministry, I started to travel, I spent more and more time with family and friends. I found so many things that helped to contribute to my happiness, and lately I have found just a few more.

Just over a month ago I traveled to Denver (okay Arvada) to be a bridesmaid in the wedding of a dear friend of mine. She and I met in college and instantly connected. I will be very honest in saying that when Dani asked me to be her bridesmaid I was blown away, never in a million years would I have expected that, but I was so honored. As we were preparing and planning the Bachelorette party the Maid of Honor suggested that we go to this place called Art on the Brix. I remember reading that message with total confusion and a little hesitation. Okay, so you want me to sit down with a group of people and paint and we expect this to look even slightly like the painting that we are trying to make? Haha Good luck! I remember the day of the party stopping in Laramie and seeing my best friend Kyle. I told him I was going to go paint for the first time since grade school and that I was pretty sure my painting would look like crap. He and I laughed, but figured I would enjoy a couple of cocktails and great conversation with some new friends. 

We arrived at Art on the Brix and got started. At the end of the class I was BLOWN away! I immediately sent a picture to Kyle and his response was "who painted that?" Neither one of us expected it to turn out quite as good as it did (trust me that it wasn't all that great in comparison with what it was supposed to look like). 

The whole Art on the Brix experience was so much more incredible than I had expected. So as I was preparing for another trip to Denver, I knew that I needed to give this another shot. Well we did, three times in one weekend! My cousin and I painted our little hearts out and walked away impressed with our work. So what was my next move? Going out and buying all the supplies I needed to make this happen of course! See, what started out as just a fun girls night helped unlock such a great outlet for me to relieve stress and find my bliss! I am super excited to continue to paint, knowing that my artwork is nothing extraordinary and likely not anything that another person would like to hang in their house, but knowing that for 30 minutes or more a day when I paint I am able to think of nothing but using the small talent that God gave me that took me 23 years to find!

In His Timing

As I was riding in the car this afternoon I sat in the front seat recalling the events of my last few days. All I could think of was God's timing and in part all I could do was question why his timing works the way it does. So here is some background. 
On Friday afternoon I was picked up by one of my best friends and a few other people from Cheyenne. We were all on our way to Jackson. Wyoming to join 16 other young adults from our diocese to participate in a retreat. When we arrived in Jackson we are greeted by great friends and total strangers. We began the retreat and Saturday morning we woke up and headed out for Grand Teton National Park where we would spend our day in the beautiful mountains at the Sacred Heart Chapel, a hidden gem in the middle of a beautiful scene. At the end of the day we would go back to Jackson and wrap up the retreat this morning. As the retreat is ending and we are loading cars I remembered my feelings about this weekend just a few days before. 
For the first time ever I didn't want to attend a retreat. I was coming up with every excuse in the book not to go. In fact, it took two of my good friends to convince me to do it. I remember as we sat at dinner a few weeks ago they told me to come if for nothing else than to hang out with them. Well obviously they eventually convinced me. 
At the close of the retreat 14 of us ended up going white water rafting. Let me tell you I was TERRIFIED!!  I'm not even sure why I was so afraid, I'm usually always up for an adventure. Well despite my fear we hopped in the raft and I surrounded myself with some great friends. As we rode down the river I would clutch onto the limbs of two of my friends (the same two who convinced me to come on the retreat). I'm not exactly sure what made me feel safe about holding on to these two people and sometimes tucking my head into one of their shoulders, but when I did this as we splashed around I felt like I was protected. When rafting ended we all went on to our own parts of the state. 
Our car jumped in and took off. We reached a point in the drive where I regained cell reception and naturally decided that I should check Facebook. As I opened the page the very first thing to come on my newsfeed was a post by one of my cousins. It read "RIP Aunt Evelyn...You were a blessing in so many lives! You will be missed by many!" As I saw that first post on my newsfeed all I could do was say "oh no" and let tears stream down my face. My heart sank, because even though I knew this was coming it didn't make things any easier. I called my mom and we cried together, we talked about the tea party we had with my Tia, we talked about how amazing this woman's faith was, and we sat in silence. After sometime we hung up the phone and I just sat there in silence, tears flowing down my face, staring out the window, and in some ways feeling bad that I just had such a wonderful day while my family were all grieving. 
It was in that moment that I realized why I was on that retreat. God knew that I would need to be surrounded by people who loved me when I received that news. God knew that although I could handle it alone, he didn't want to let me. God knew that I would need to clutch onto the limbs of my friends just as I had done a few hours earlier, because in that moment I needed to feel safe and protected. He gave me the gift of friends that might as well be family to hold me tight until I can be with my family. His timing confused me, until I really stopped to look. 
Tonight my heart aches because the world lost a wonderful woman. At the same time I find myself so thankful. Thankful that I was blessed with her in my life, thankful that she can enter into the fullness of the kingdom of heaven, thankful that she is no longer suffering, thankful that The Lord blessed me with an incredible family, and thankful that The Lord has given me such a solid group of friends that I can clutch onto when I find myself afraid or hurting. 

Our family is asking that people who pray would pray a rosary for the soul of my Tia. We know that prayers are power and that is one way we can honor her life. Please also hold all of us and others in this world who are grieving in your prayers tonight. God bless you and thank you for being the people we can clutch onto!! 

Best Cousins

 

When I was a tiny tike, well even before I was born I had this one cousin that would always be my protector, my punching bag, my advice giver, my support, and my strength. His name is Vincent and he is just a couple months older than me, so when I call him my punching bag I am referring to those few months when I was in the womb and my mom would hold him in her arms and I would kick the crap out of him. It was like I already knew that he would be my favorite and I was already telling him that I was going to be the boss. :) 

Well maybe I'm not actually the boss, but I'm sure he isn't either. What I do know is that he has been one of the most important people in my life for as long as I can remember. Well, for as long as he can remember because he has a stellar memory and mine is less than average. He is constantly reminding me of things we used to do together or things I used to say. Vincent has always been there to support my dreams even if they mean taking me further away from him (Just after he graduated high school he moved to Albuquerque, we had so many plans of how we would spend so much time together and then I moved to Wyoming for school. He never stopped pushing me to live my dreams even when they didn't work out in his favor).

In 23 years this friendship has only grown stronger. We now live 800 miles apart and see each other just a few times a year, but he is always there to run to when I need advice or when I want to celebrate something.

We have been making plans for our Cousin Trip to Denver at the end of the month. This will be the first time that we take a vacation together just the two of us. We are making so many sweet plans, and just getting to hang out with each other and be on a "grown up" vacation is super exciting. I love this guy so much and really cannot wait to see him in just a few short weeks!

Thank you Vincent for always being right by my side. I don't know where I would be without you in my life!

31 Years Later...

Just a few months ago I found myself having a conversation with a friend who was convinced that true life long love didn't exist. She asked me how I could believe in this type of love if the world we live in constantly dismisses it. I explained to her that I had the most incredible exmple of this type of love in the two most important people in my life. 31 years ago my mom and dad stood at the front of St Teresa of Avila church in Grants, NM with their family and friends all around them and they pledged to love eachother forever. I'm sure it hasn't always been easy, but when I look at my parents I can see that it has always been worth it. 

People often tell me that I live in a fairytale when it comes to love and that I am just too picky. Well maybe I do live in a fairytale, but I am confident that if my vocation is marriage that my prince is out there somewhere. See, one man has set incredible standard for love in my book and I'm not about to settle on something less than what he has showed me. 

My father would give the world for my mother. I have one memory in particular of the love my dad has for my mom that I constantly refer back to. 

As many of you probably know, when I was in high school my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. I remember sitting in the room when she was diagnosed and feeling like my world came crashing down. During the next months my dad would be her support throughout the whole journey. My dad would go with her to every doctor appointment, to chemotherapy, and would help her function around the house. My dad would show me everyday what love was, but one day in particular captured my heart. It was the day of my moms surgery and family had come from all over to be there in the hospital with us. Mom had just gone into surgery and we were told she would be there for awhile. Someone suggested that we should go have a quick bite to eat so we could be back when she was finished. I remember my dad saying that he was going to stay back and wait for my mom. Something I always think about is that my dad chose to stay even though he knew he wouldn't be able to do anything he would sit and wait. The important thing was that he was there for her if she needed him and when she returned he would be right there waiting. 

That is the type of love that we need more of in this world, and maybe if we had more of it we would have more lasting marriages or at the very least we would have more people willing to strive for that love. In that moment my dad showed me what it was like to love like Christ. To be willing to sacrifice everything for your beloved and to truly expect nothing in return. That day and so many days before and after my daddy showed me what agape really is. He created a standard in my head of what love should be. 

Happy 31st Anniversary Mom and Dad. May God bless you with many more years!!!

Totus Tuus; An Unbreakable Bond

Last summer I was blessed to be part of a wonderful Missionary Program called Totus Tuus. Not only was I able to serve teenagers, grow in faith, and meet some of the greatest people I was able to do it in my favorite Diocese (The Diocese of Cheyenne). Many things happened last summer; my patience was tested, I learned so much about myself, I met some teens that I would be blessed to journey with in the last year, and I made three friends that might as well be family.

For those of you who don't know, as a Totus Tuus Missionary you spend every minute of every day with your teammates. Not even kidding, at a lot of homes my female teammate and I even shared a bed. 

I am confident in saying that my male teammates Keith and Dylan will FOREVER hold a special place in my heart. They are two of the most incredible men I know and truly show me what it is like to be Christ to the World. It doesn't matter how often I see them or how frequently we talk, I know at the end of the day my brothers are there to support me and pray for me whenever I need them.

Although the entire team became part of my heart I have a very incredible bond with my female teammate Jacquie. See, before the summer started Jacquie and I had been roommates in college, we took classes together, and we worshiped together. None of that would prepare us for the bond that we were about to create as summer missionaries. Jacquie became my person. Whenever I was upset, happy, excited, angry, hurt, or joyful Jacquie was the one I talked to about it. See we talked about a lot of things as a team, but there are some conversations that took place in our bedroom before calling it a night that would forever change the woman I am today. I am proud to say that during Totus Tuus I found my sister that I never had and one of my best friends in this world. It blows me away that a year after our summer of service we are still just as close as before and every time we see each other we just pick up right where we left off. Jacquie constantly challenges me to be a better person and to love people like Christ loves them. And the funny thing is that she probably doesn't even realize that she is doing it.

I am beginning to realize just how important friendships like these are. To have men and women in your life who see you as their sister and truly want whats best for you is such an incredible thing. Although we may have our differences from time to time spending the summer with my teammates truly was one of the greatest experiences of my life and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

I hope each of you have found or will find a group of friends who challenge you to be a better person each and every time you interact with them. 

A Love That Lasts

As I sit in the airport waiting to join my group in Italy I can't help but reflect on several different things over the last few days. Many of which I'm sure will appear in the blogs to come, but one that I will focus on now. 

As I am getting older it seems as though I have more and more weddings to attend (6 this summer alone). My friends are starting to "settle down" and "start their lives". Yesterday my lifelong friend and practically sister married the man of her dreams. Sarah was the second member of our group to get married, and let me say she made a stunning bride. But even though she was beautiful it seemed like everything that could go wrong did go wrong. The cash bar never showed, the weather turned to crap, we were running behind schedule, and her shoes turned her toes purple. Even though all of these things happened Sarah kept saying something over and over that really captured my heart. She said "I don't care about any of that, all I want to do is marry Jared today!" 

To Sarah the perfect wedding didn't mean anything more than committing her life to her groom. Over the last four and a half years I have been lucky to see this love of Sarah and Jared's mature into the fairytale it is today, but in those four years my eyes had never seen such maturity and lasting love. Now I'm sure it has been there much longer, but yesterday as we sat in the hall waiting for the weather to turn and to see how Sarah could care less about the details it really came to life.

In my life I have been very blessed with examples of great love. The biggest example stems from my parents and the second biggest example stems from my best friend Lauren (the first member of our group to get married) and her husband Eric. After the last several years and especially after last night I am proud to add this example of Sarah and Jared's to my list. All three of these marriages show me that love isn't always easy, but man is it worth it. I wish you all many years of happiness together and hope to someday find a love like yours. 

So if I've learned anything from Sarah and the way she conducted herself last night it is that none of those details of the wedding really matter. All that matters is at the end of the day you get to be with the ones you love. 

Pre-Wedding Extravaganza!!

MY BEST FRIEND IS GETTING MARRIED! In 3 days she will stand in front of her friends and family and marry the man of her dreams! On Sunday we began wedding festivities with Sarah's bridal shower, on Monday we "packed" her old room at her parents house to take her things to her new house. I say "packed" because we spent about an hour or so packing and then decided we wanted to go do make-up trials, go to dinner, and go shopping. Tuesday was the day everything went "CRAY CRAY" as Sarah often says! Lauren and Sarah spent the afternoon actually packing when I met up with them we went to drop off the car at my moms work and went on to visit Sarah's "groomy" at his work. We then went to my church to say goodbye to a friend of mine who is moving away. We sat in the car just before going in and we got a text that caused sheer panic in the three of us.

One of the bridesmaids contacted us saying she called the place where we all got our dresses and they didn't have anything on file for her. WHAT?!?!?! Sarah is getting married on Saturday, there was NO way that the store could order her one in time. So the three of us jump into action. I was on the phone with Alfred Angelo trying to see what they had in stock that we could buy off of the rack, Laruen was on the phone with David's Bridal seeing if there was some chance the order went through at the wrong store, and Sarah was trying not to hyperventilate in the passenger seat. We had about two hours until stores closed so after saying goodbye to my friend and talking with a few other people we hit the road for the mall on a mission to find a formal black dress that looked similar to ours. Before we stopped at the mall we stopped at Men's Wearhouse to pick up the grooms tux then we were off to the mall.

First stop, JC Penny's and everything we found was either too informal or too ugly. Next store.

Second stop, Dillard's and we found one that could sort of work. It was black, long, Britta's size, and formal enough. Even though this dress would work we wanted to find something that matched us a little better. We knew we needed to ditch the mall and try David's Bridal. It would be our best bet at finding a formal dress this time of year. As Lauren is buying the dress we found just in case that was our last resort I am on the phone trying to call David's Bridal to see if they had items we could purchase off of the rack. Lauren and Sarah follow behind me and all of us start running through the mall to the location of our car. In the meantime I am on the phone with David's Bridal explaining our situation "Hi, I think one of the other bridesmaids called you earlier looking for a dress for a wedding on Saturday. We were unable to find a dress for this bridesmaid and were wondering if you all had any long black dresses in her size that you could pull for us to look at?" The lady responds "What kind of dress; strapless, halter, straps??" I told her that pretty much anything would do, but we were on the way and needed these dresses pulled so we could search before they closed at 9.

We arrived at our third stop, David's Bridal ran to the back of the store and sitting there on the rack that was a dress that looked almost the same as the one the rest of us have. We snap a quick picture, send it to B and put it on hold for her to purchase three days before the wedding.

We all walked out of the store, breathed a huge sigh of relief, and went over to Sonic to grab a drink.

If there is anything I learned from this experience it was that sometimes in life you are blessed with a group of friends that will always stand by your side, they are there to help you through all of the challenges of life, and they make sure you are taken care of. I am so lucky that I have several groups of these friends, but I have a very special bond with "my girls". We have been friends since high school and I am certain that we will be friends for many more years. Here's to hoping nothing else will go wrong in the next few days and to knowing that if anything does we will take care of it! I love you Sarah, Britta, Lauren, and Jennifer!

Your Voice or Mine?

Recently I have been in a huge point of discernment in my life. I had two very good options sitting in front of me, two things that would help me to live a very full life, and two things that I felt could be the will of God. After spending several months in discernment I realized that the voice I had been listening to that left me so certain of what I should do was my own voice and was not the voice of the Lord. See, I had such a strong desire in my heart for all that I thought this one option would be that I failed to listen to everything around me that was coming from the Lord. After I made the decision of what I wanted to do I did all that I could to convince myself that I had found peace in that decision. The reality was that there was no peace in that decision for me at all, and it would take months for me to understand that. After I made my choice I went back and forth and back and forth, until finally I just knew something wasn’t right. I knew I needed to take some more time to pray about my choice, to listen to the priests in my life, some of my family members, and the discontent I felt. As I brought this decision to prayer one last time I finally found great peace in knowing that I had in fact made the wrong choice. I learned quite quickly that the voice of God had become so faint and my own desire had become so strong that I couldn’t even distinguish between the two. In the moment where I became certain of my decision I knew what I had to do. I had to humble myself, go to the pastor at my parish and ask for my job back, I had to tell the teens that I wasn’t leaving them after all, I had to call the place of my first decision and tell them I would no longer be coming, and I had to share that news with everyone who knew. Some of the people were joyful that I had come to this conclusion and others thought I wasn’t listening to the voice of God in my life. None of what anyone else thought really mattered though, because for the first time in months I was absolutely certain that this is what I was called to do. See, I have no doubt that if I would have stuck with my original choice I would have been happy and I would have led teens closer to Christ, and I think that is part of what made my decision such a difficult one. I will say that now, two weeks after I made the final decision I continue to live in the peace that the Lord has given to me.

What I have learned from all of this is that we can find a million things in the world that make us happy, but there will ultimately be one thing that will always make us happiest and this happiness comes from the Lord. Like St. Augustine said “For you have made us for yourself, and our heart is restless until it rests in you”.

Tiny Humans

As the countdown continues I am feeling several different things. The first is excitement to see my family, the second is anxiety about all that needs to be finished before vacation, and the third is sadness to leave the teens and friends I have made in Rock Springs. Thankfully I am only leaving them for three weeks and in order to leave them for three weeks I will get to do three things; I will get to see two tiny humans that have captured my heart (along with the rest of my family and friends in New Mexico), I will get to see my best friend marry her prince, and I will get to join a group of pilgrims from the Diocese of Cheyenne in Italy for the rest of the pilgrimage.

I want to focus this blog on those two tiny humans. In February I was blessed to become an auntie for the first time. See I have plenty of younger cousins that I am close with, but for the first time in my life I would hold a baby boy in my arms that would someday call me auntie, would come to visit me in the summers when he grew older, a baby boy that would grow to know that I am always his support and often times will let him get away with a little more than mom and dad. As I held this tiny human for the first time during Easter break I was baffled by the amount of love that was pouring out of my heart. I couldn't get enough of him! I wanted to spend every minute of every day of that vacation with him, and the day I went to the airport and I had to say goodbye my heart ached because I wasn't sure when I would return. I held him in my arms that morning and would have given anything to stop time in that moment. 

In May I was asked by a dear friend of mine to be the auntie to her son. She explained that this baby would need a person like me in his life, someone to support and love him and who would lead him in the faith. I accepted that title with great honor. This little boy is one of the cutest kids I've ever seen (and I'm not just saying that). He has a smile that can light up the darkness, he is already quite the ladies man, and he just fills my heart with joy. That same day that I went to the airport he and his mommy were the ones to drop me off. One of my favorite memories of him is that on the entire ride to the airport he sat in his seat and held my hand. He would turn around to look at me and just giggle with such happiness on his face. 

I honestly don't know how I can love anyone or anything in this wold more than I love my hijitos, and yet I remember that their parents love them even more than that! In the last few months as I have reflected on how these two baby boys have captured my heart and I am constantly brought back to the cross. The fact that one man loved you and me so unconditionally that he would give his very life so that we may live. Much like a parent or an auntie, he was willing to give his life so that we may know truth and unconditional joy. So as my countdown reaches the end I will remember that the love that I have for those sweet boys is only a fraction of the love that our Lord has for each of us.

3 Days!!!

So it Begins...

Over the last several months I have been writing different "blog" posts as they have come to my heart. It wasn't until recently that I decided to post some of these. In the last few months I have been using this concept of blogging as sort of my personal journal. Some of the things I write will remain unseen, but those things that I feel called to share will be posted for the world to see (although I'm sure this will never expand outside of my circle of friends and family).

Those of you who know me well would know there are a few things I would claim to be "obsessed" with. The first is Matt Maher and pretty much any song he has ever sung. The second is helping people come to know the love of the Lord. And the third is the word Agape. Agape is one of the four words used in the Greek Language to express love. See, this love is not just any regular sort of friendship or passionate love, but it is "Love Without Limit", the type of love that has you willing to sacrifice everything for your beloved. As a young woman who has seen many examples of this type of love I have made it my goal to live out that type of love every day with each person I encounter. Yes, there are many times where I fail, but the important part is to continue to strive to be successful and holy. It is in that love that we can become more like Christ and in becoming more like Christ we are able to share him with the world! 

So here it is; my monthly, weekly, and even daily attempts at living a life of "Love Without Limit" I hope you enjoy the ride!

In Christ,

Amanda